76+ Best Kevin Malone Quotes to Make You Laugh

Kevin Malone is a fictional character in the American television series The Office. Profoundly inspirational and funniest Kevin Malone quotes from The Office will brighten up your day and make you feel ready to take on anything.

Legends never die, and funniest The Office quotes and classic Michael Scott quotes will make you laughter in a unique comedic style. Between hilarious Jim Halpert quotes, most memorable Dwight Schrute quotes and iconic Robert California quotes, all of them will help put a smile on your face.

Famous Kevin Malone Quotes

Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick. – Kevin Malone

I go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes. – Kevin Malone

I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes batman’s got to take off his cape. – Kevin Malone

Kevin Malone: I can’t keep doing this forever.
Rose: It’s been 20 seconds.
Kevin Malone: Call it.

I have very little patience for stupidity. – Kevin Malone

I just want to sit on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. – Kevin Malone

At least once a year I like to bring in some of my Kevin’s favorite chili. – Kevin Malone

The trick is to under-cook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot. – Kevin Malone

After Stacey left, things did not go well for a while. And, it was hard to see.. It’s just nice to win one. – Kevin Malone

The shadier car dealers will make them think they have to accept the new terms. That is where the abuse comes in. You don’t have to accept the new terms. – Kevin Malone

Good old Kevin. He’ll do anything. Well guess what? I will not do a good job. – Kevin Malone

The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters. – Kevin Malone

They realize they have to bond together as other players in support of one another, and Barry’s going to do his own thing. But they know that when he does, they win and they all benefit. – Kevin Malone

Kevin Malone quotes

They have such a strong team chemistry and such a great culture, committed to winning and to the team more than the individual. They can take on a troubled guy or a high-maintenance guy. … They can mold him into shape, and basically protect him from himself. – Kevin Malone

I’m gonna get in my car. When I start dying I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog. – Kevin Malone

Angel’a’s cats are so cute. You just want to eat them. But you can’t eat cats. You can’t eat cats, Kevin. – Kevin Malone

Put back everything in the vending machine, except the fruit. – Kevin Malone

Oh, what a summer. I ran over a turtle in the parking lot. But then I saved him by glueing his shell back together. I’m not that good at puzzles so I used stuff from around the office, but I couldn’t get the pieces to fit right. Then one day while I was reaching for the glue, I crushed the shell again. But I rebuilt him a better shell that time. But then it turned out the turtle was already dead. Probably when I ran him over the first time. – Kevin Malone

Cause I’m free, literally forever. – Kevin Malone

Dwight: What are you doing?
Kevin: I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket.

Okay, this is really hard to follow. Can we just say Pete, because that’s the guy Erin’s flirting with? – Kevin Malone

Well, well, well, well, well. That’s six wells. Did I get that number right, Dwight? – Kevin Malone

We’ve actually had to pull out the stops and have supervisors working the windows and pull in everyone who can give a drive exam and try to accommodate them. – Kevin Malone

We’re aware of what it means Oscar, you just do not look cool saying it. – Kevin Malone

You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. – Kevin Malone

I don’t think that you understand wheels. – Kevin Malone

Hey Deangelo, what do you think about bald people? I hate them. – Kevin Malone

We will make sure everyone who shows up will get served. If we need to stay open a little late, we will. – Kevin Malone

Suicide in Ireland is a problem that nobody wants to talk about. Where you’ve got stigma, you get fear and secrecy – it becomes a vacuum, – Kevin Malone

Nope it’s not Ashton Kutcher, it’s Kevin Malone. Equally handsome, equally smart. – Kevin Malone

I love the smell of bacon on a woman. – Kevin Malone

You’re too charactery to be a lead, and you’re not fat enough to be a great character actor. – Kevin Malone

Whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it. – Kevin Malone

Michael: We’re moving to Colorado.
Kevin: All of us?

I don’t wanna put you out, but if someone’s making oatmeal I’ll take an apple-cinnamon and a maple-brown sugar in one bowl, with whole milk. – Kevin Malone

The problem with the No Child Left Behind Act is if a school doesn’t meet a certain criteria, their funding is cut. – Kevin Malone

Hilarious Kevin Malone Quotes

Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air? Or was it me? – Kevin Malone

I got six numbers, one more and it would have been a complete phone number. – Kevin Malone

A fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea, so if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are you just might catch one. – Kevin Malone

Kevin: When I was a kid I was on “Dallas.”
Andy: Really?
Kevin: Yeah. We missed our connecting flight so we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii. I was on heaven.

I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle. – Kevin Malone

Packer: Yeah you know how to read a menu!
Kevin: He’s right. I could lose some weight.

Meredith: If I ever got that bad, you’d tell me right? Kevin: Meredith I tell you all the time.

funny Kevin Malone quotes

Jim: Hey Kev. How was your weekend?
Kevin: Good, I watched TV for 14 hours.

Packer: It’s great to be among friends… until then, you suckers will do.
Kevin: Nice. We got burned.

Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people? – Kevin Malone

Val: Not bad fellas. You’re better than you look.
Kevin: Hey screw you!

Kevin: He’s a sweet kid Daryl, but he’s not the sharpest guy in the drawer.
Pete: Kevin, I can hear you

You can’t eat cats, Kevin. – Kevin Malone

Ryan: You should enter it in festivals.
Kevin: Or carnivals.

Kevin: Andy, I think we should acknowledge the man who has led us to such a profitable quarter…to Robert California.
Gabe: I would also like to toast Robert California.
Andy: You can’t triple toast somebody.

We show no convictions on file for him. – Kevin Malone

Michael: Holly and I are moving in together. Oscar this must be tough for you, watching this go down. You could not stand in the way of true love my friend.
Oscar: Are you kidding? I wasn’t trying to break you guys up.
Kevin: Better luck next time pal!

Erin: You’re gonna be alright.
Kevin: No. No he’s not.

Dwight: Do more stupid faces!
Kevin: Which one? I have a lot of stupid faces.

My name is Kevin, that is my name, they call me Kevin, cause that’s my name. – Kevin Malone

This is a documentary? Ohhhh. I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo. – Kevin Malone

You have to be at least to get a license and you have to complete a written log of the dates and the times of your behind the wheel experience. – Kevin Malone

Andy, I’m not Jim. The only way that I’m Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam. – Kevin Malone

They’re making fun of Cookie Monster, I get that; but in a weird way, it’s like they’re making fun of me. – Kevin Malone

Darryl: Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?
Kevin: A little bit. Yeah. Right guys? Back me up.

No, it’s not Aston Kutcher, it’s me Kevin Malone. – Kevin Malone

Dwight: That is an amusing link. I’d like it sent to me please.
Kevin: Angela, this is inappropriate.
Angela: This is my favorite day!

Michael: Wait, what day is today?
Kevin: Um, tonight is Ghost Whisperer. So Friday.

Kevin: (practicing CPR, tired and panicked) I can’t do this forever.
Instructor: It’s been twenty seconds.
Kevin: Call it.

Gabe: This is violent and offensive.
Kevin: Thank you. It really makes me self-conscious about my voice.
Gabe: It’s awful [offers a tissue]
Kevin: I’m not crying.
Gabe: There’s food on your face.

Holly: You guys, it wasn’t my fault!
Kevin: Oh nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!

Oscar: Please don’t say anything offensive.
Kevin: Got that bimbo?
Erin: Got it bimbo.

Kevin: He’s like a better looking Andy.
Andy: Thanks Kevin.

I want to be wine and dined and sixty nined. – Kevin Malone

Just because Jo, has no life, does not mean that the rest of us don’t have lives. Oscar, has a life. I think Ryan has a life. This is outrageous. – Kevin Malone

Andy: I bet he’s wishing he had a hybrid, right? 60 miles to the gallon in the city.
Kevin: No, I bet he’s wishing he was strangling somebody.

Dwight: Excuse me, I have to run to my car, to take a dump.
Kevin: wish my car had a bathroom.

Erin: Angela had the baby?
Kevin: Is it black? Because that would be hilarious.

Oscar: What kind of statement are you making with that costume, Kevin?
Kevin: The statement that I’m making, Oscar, is I kind of look like Michael Moore.