40+ Best Funny Breakup Quotes: Exclusive Selection

A relationship breakup, or simply just breakup, is the termination of an intimate relationship by any means other than death. Inspirational funny breakup quotes will encourage growth in life, make you wiser and broaden your perspective.

If you’re searching for funniest quotes ever and funniest motivational quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of extremely funny car quotes, hilarious cat quotes and funniest celebrity quotes.

Famous Funny Breakup Quotes

If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously. Punch them in the face and go get some ice cream. Frank Ocean

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.  Sacha Guitry

The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends. Gwyneth Paltrow

Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash. Rita Mae Brown 

Living apart is hardly possible if people have children together. It can also be more expensive to maintain two homes. But then, it’s expensive to break up when you live in one property. Deborah Moggach

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.  Elayne Boosler

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. Johnny Carson

I break up very well. I am a good breaker-upper. Simon Cowell

The heart was made to be broken. Oscar Wilde

I don’t think marriages break up because of what you do to each other. They break up because of what you must become in order to stay in them.  Carol Grace

funny breakup quotes

I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost as if you’re here! Billy Ray Cyrus

A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend. Sheldon Cooper

Break ups aren’t fair. Why does only one person have power? We both agreed to start dating. Why do you get to make the decision to end it? Shouldn’t it be a joint decision too Alyssa Rose Ivy

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.  Ellen Burstyn

I will always love the false image I had of you.  Ashleigh Brilliant

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else. Mae West

Breakups were so painful, especially the relationships that haven’t even started. David

In our family we don’t divorce our men — we bury them. Ruth Gordon

Amazing Funny Breakup Quotes

When your ex says ‘You’ll never find anyone like me’. Say ‘that’s the point’. Drake

It’s relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot.  Warren Thomas

You know what is the worst thing about being rejected? The lack of control. If I could only control the where and how of being dumped, it wouldn’t seem as bad.  Rob Fleming

A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you. Margaret Atwood

How could I be sleeping with this peculiar man. Surely only true love could justify my lack of taste.  Margaret Atwood

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. Jerry Seinfeld

When one door closes another door opens. Usually a refrigerator. Bonnie McFarlane

hilarious breakup quotes

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.  Rita Rudner

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that. Steve Martin

I know one husband and wife who, whatever the official reasons given to the court for the break up of their marriage, were really divorced because the husband believed that nobody ought to read while he was talking and the wife that nobody ought to talk while she was reading. Vera Brittain

There is a good way to break up with someone and it doesn’t include a Post-it. (Carrie) Sex and the City

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.  Bob Ettinger

Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass. Mary Kay Blakeley

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.  Woody Allen

Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling. (Joey) Friends

Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.  Oscar Levant

My mother always said don’t marry for money, divorce for money. Wendy Liebman

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her. Azgraybebly Joslan

Your heart is my piñata.  Chuck Palahniuk 

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